You Dirty Perverts (the one you've all been waiting for)

This story is not for Moms, Sunday school teachers, the judgemental or the repressed. Throwing that out there...


Whenever I say I'm going to Thailand people said "oh, watch out for the lady boys" "ohh, don't become a ladyboy" "wow, blah blah blah-bla-blah ladyboy" Funny. And oh so clever all of you. HOWEVER, we didn't see many in bangkok. We mostly were in the backpacker areas, and its really just the local vendors and tourists.

So the girls decide that after a day of travelling they're all beat and want to go to bed. Pat and I decided we wanted to drink, so we'd hit the night market in Bangkok. So two guys walking down the street in drinking Chang and the first Tuk Tuk driver calls out "Ping Pong?!"  Thats the universal language for Thai sex show. Now I know that those are close the market. "Patpong?" thats the area I want to be in.
"Yeah"
So I say "How much?"
"Fifty baht!"
Now thats cheap, ok we're in. "
We get driven around for 10 mins and finally get driven through a back alley where we get out. This sleazy little dude runs up..."Ping Pong show! Best in city, you like!!"
"How much?"
 "600"
"Each?" thats expensive...no wonder the cab was cheap...all part of the hustle. So I ask where the night market is.
 "Oh, closed, not open yet, good show show, 500"
"Ok, which way? For when it opens?"
 "That way, but closed, not open"
Ok, we'll go this way. Everyone protests, they're yelling from behind, blah blah blah, the driver's mad cause he brought us in cheap and isn't getting his kickback now.
We wander around and see a ton of strip joints, thai restaurants, internet places, market stalls, and guys running around with drink menus. One hits us up.
 "Cheap drink, Chang 100 baht"
"Too much!"
"For large for large"
We shrug, ok. We're in. So now we get lead through the streets of downtown bangkok, this guy is rushing. Hard. He's waving us on, at one point the fucker grabs my arm and pulls me, I must have given him a hard look because he took his hand off me like I was on fire. We get to this place and he takes us upstairs and goes to leave. Pat yells, "Hey, no cover right?"
"Yeah yeah, good party"
We buy a couple of beers up front, they won't let us pay...thats a sign.  We turn the corner and the place is dingy, everything is black, hookers everywhere. Shit. We're in a bangkok sex show. Oh well, part of the tour right?? We get sat down in front of this other set of couples. Everyone's laughing. No lights on except these little white Christmas tree lights. And black lights. Things are painted with black light paint. Everything is glowing.

So, loyal readers, up till now, the conversation has been fairly bland. This is where it gets interesting. The language is about to change. Can't be helped.

The stage, has two brass poles. Standing at each pole is a topless Thai girl in black underwear. Early twenties. They are, ever so slightly, swinging their hips to the music. They look bored. They look out of shape. And bored. Then we realize that the show is actually going on as we speak.

A woman in black lingerie is crab walking across the stage. What we realize is that she's got a straw stuck in her pussy. Suddenly a balloon above and just behind me pops. WTF mate? She has rolled up sheets of paper and is firing them like darts at balloons around the room through the straw. Thats funny. Fucked up, but funny. I wonder how many rounds that magazine holds...

She wanders off. Another woman, who looks to be in her fifties, 5 or 8 kids, maybe one on the way, who knows, is wearing nothing but a strange hat of some sort, neon knee high socks, and volleyball knee pads. She's built kind of like Grimmace from the MacDonaldland  Gang. Shes got a great little landing strip going on I might add. She get up and starts sort of dancing on the spot. Then, unceremoniously, she begins to pull, the only way I can think to describe it, is a neon skipping rope out of her VJJ. Its like a plastic contraption that has several parts, each a different colour glowing in the black light. When she gets enough of it out, she starts snapping it on the floor like a whip, all the while, pulling more out. Its like a rappelling bag in there or  something. We're seriously and literally shaking our heads.

Now, while this is going on, these really friendly local women, who really took some time getting ready for clubbing, in their best lingerie, are paying us some attention. A couple come over and leave drinks on our table. I'm like, fuck that, I"m not getting charged for drinks I didn't order. And who knows whats in em. I'm wildly waving my hands. No! WE DON"T WANT THESE! I'm putting them on a different table. The drinks are also flat looking, and probably 1/3 empty.

Stole this image off the net, then read the guy's blog.
Could have been my story to the letter.

First lady is back on stage and someone has put a cake on the stage and lit several candles. She begins blowing them out with here snatch snorkle. Meanwhile a particularly friendly looking lady looks at me( because pat is ignoring her like she's got lepracy and trying to sell him a kiss, and he's not far off) she bangs the heal of her hand against the back of her hand and says "Boom boom?" Me, a relative novice in these situations, more baffled than deaf says "Whaaa?"  She makes the OK sign with one hand and starts driving her forefinger in and out with the other "Boom boom?"

Luke shakes head. Not only am I saying the word but I'm mouthing it as if to allow someone on the other side of a loud party to understand me. "NO" Stubby Thai-Grimmace is back on stage pulling what looks like a clothes line, complete with plastic glowing clothes pin out of her boom boom hole. She waddling around and laughing, loose skin swaying in time with the bad dance music.

Pat and I say together, "We need to get the fuck out of here"

We tell the waitress we want the bill and she directs us to a table by the stage. Fucking hell, here we go. We wander over. This short woman in a business suit hands us a slip of paper as we walk up. 4,800 baht. Roughly translated, based on global economic performance and market conditions, thats about $150 CAD. I started to laugh. Lady is stern as hell, face like a toad "you pay"
Pat says "No, two change, 200 baht"
She says, no "YOU PAY, LADY DRINKS and LOOK FEE"

Pat says, "No, 2 Chang" and we each pull out 100. She gets up and begins screeching. If you've ever seen a war movie where a bunch of villager women are screaming at the GIs after they've committed some atrocity...this is the live version of that.

She's screaming that we have to pay, we say no, she grabs a pad of paper and writes down 1600. I laugh. Pat snatches her pen and writes 200, before he scrawls the 2nd 0 shes torn the paper away and crumped it up. She stomps her foot, I though she kicked him. Her twin sister approaches from the shadows and takes me on. I say "We had 2 beer, 200" she says, "You pay or YOU dance" points at the stage and starts pulling up my shirt. I can only laugh. It infuriates her. She stomps and fake kicks me.
The original thai toad woman tells Pat we can't leave. He says something along the lines of "you can't stop us.
She says "I get bouncer" and points to this 16 year old looking bus boy who might be 120 lbs. We both laugh and the women relent. We set down the money and walk. On stage a woman is opening shaken up beer bottles. Look mom no hands.

It took 2 full hours for the adrenaline to wear off. A runner with a menu came up and asked if we wanted to go to a show. I told him to fuck off. He didn't seem surprised. We hit an irish pub and sat on the patio and drank Singha. Thats when we thought it would be funny to go down the gay street. That story will have to wait. I'm going on a day long excursion tomorrow. Elephants, waterfalls, hiking, visiting a hill tribe...should be great.
Talk soon
L