Luke the Bouncer - Whats with Airdrie chicks!?

When I was out clubbing, if I was bother a girl (which happened alot) she'd just be rude to me until I went away. In Airdrie, they come running to the bouncer. WTF?

Luke the Bouncer 1

So I took a job working as a bouncer at a bar. I hate bouncers. That hasn't changed, but I'm starting to see their side of things. The other night I walked around the corner to find a girl throwing a pint of beer at some dude. He then dumped his on her, missing and hit my manager. Then all the other girls in her posse got involved. There was much screaming and kicking. Once I got the girls out I told the beer dumping guy he had to leave. He couldn't understand why. Then his buddies all waited for me in the parking lot at the end of the night. They didn't recognize me when I'd walked by them at then end of the night. I'd taken my cowboy hat off which must have confused them. Old Jedi mind trick that is....

Welcome to Laos - The Thing about Crickets is...

The coolest part about travelling is meeting new people. Spending the past 2 weeks in Laos I've made friends with a couple from Vang Tien. This evening after work they took us for some real Laos food just outside the main area of Vang Vieng.

The restaurant "Full Moon 2" (there are many bars restaurants and shops with 'moon' in the name here)  was brightly lit with thousands of Christmas lights. The kind of lights that are wrapped in a plastic tube so they look like rope. As we walked up several people sitting in the dining area looked up at us, then started to scramble. I realised we were the only customers, the other 15 people or so were staff.

Caught a cricket in chop sticks.
Take that Daniel-san!!

About 4 of them hung around as we attempted to order. Unfortunately for me and one other in our party, the menu was in Laos. My friend Vet began ordering in Laos for us. When she was done, the other westerner in our group asked us what she'd ordered.

"Chicken tendons, duck necks, prawns, soup, and deep fried crickets" At first I thought she was kidding, then she said "Oh and some french fries"

The chicken tendons came first, deep fried and served with a sweet sauce. Other than the unusual chewy, stringy texture, they were surprisingly good. Next the bad news came. No duck necks. Vet rambled something in Laos and the waitress (or waiter, I really couldn't tell) tottled off to the kitchen. Sweet N' Sour pork. Awsome!

Next came the prawns and the crickets. I don't like sea food so I opted for the crickets. To be fair Ana went first. She closed her eyes, pushed her shoulders up and made the strangest face as she chewed frantically. She said it tasted like prawns.

Great.

It took me 10 minutes of eating french fries and changing the subject to work up the courage. When I was finally ready to eat the damn thing my phone rang. Saved by the bell.  After dispatching my call I was immediately called out for taking so long. (Actually Ana called me a pussy)  My friend Peter was ready with his camera (His name is actually Peter Pan, I didn't believe him at first) I took a deep breath...tightened my grip on my chop sticks and popped Jimeney down the hatch. Crickets are not nearly as crunch as I thought they'd be, and that was somehow comforting. The poor little guy broke apart in my mouth. Mostly flavourless and about the same texture as the skin on a peanut, it really wasn't so bad.

I washed my latest snack down with some beer Laos and had another french fry.  The rest of the meal was fantastic and I have to say, I really like Laos cuisine.

Laos

We landed in Udon Thani in a plane with a duck bill painted nose. A quick drive brought us to the border. It took about an hour to get about 30 of us through. Travelling with a 70 year old Thai TV star makes life interesting. People stopped to ask her questions or get pics and she'd make them laugh with her antics.

Welcome to Laos, pop 6,200,894. The hammer and sickle flags are a dead give away that we'd entered a communist state. Be that as it may, capitalism is alive and well here. The myriad of electronics, tonics, and pirated harmonics (music dvds, its a stretch, I know, but if you can do better....) on display at the duty free is a testament to that.
   
~Things I've learned in Laos: If there is a light above your bed LEAVE IT OFF or a staggering number of minuscule flies will fly into the light and stay there until they are cooked to death, only to fall onto your pillow.


After a few purchases we loaded the vans for a 4 hour trip over the worst roads I've ever driven on...and I've driven to Indian Mountain and back. Its not like dirt roads, its worse. It's dirt roads that used to be paved, but years if not decades of indifference have left them a mangled track of jutting tarmac and stone peppered between ten meter stretches of solid pavement. Our driver treated it like the groomed concrete of a formula 1 track. Passing on blind corners, being forced onto jarring shoulders where holes and stone were the norm, and dodging oncoming traffic seemed very much the norm to him.



Arriving in Vang Vieng is like arriving in a past that's been victimized by the present. Thatched huts line the roads along the village. Legions of scooters scamper through the streets overtaken by rumbling trucks and vans laden with inner tubes and foreigners. Restaurants featuring raised seating platforms with stubby little tables face plasma screens blasting Friends, or The Family Guy. I would hazard that 90 percent of restaurants or bars are playing one of those two shows. Depending on the time of day, the corpses of stoned or hung over backpackers are strewn across the cushions and mats at each table.


~Things I've learned in Laos:  A bottle of Whiskey for 15,000 kip (+/- $1.80). If there's a snake in it, "Don't worry, it acts like viagra"-bartender, Smile Bar.


Colonised by the French, their Asian servants fought back and reclaimed Loas leaving behind a varied culinary culture. Coffee, baguettes and pasteries are served neatly beside Larp and Laos BBQ. The food is amazing and cheap. The latest incarnation of Laos cuisine includes pizzas, garlic bread, brownies and milkshakes prepared with weed, mushrooms or opium. It's been the hot topic of discussion over dinner lately.


Drugs are highly illegal, this being asia, and a communist country no less, however the trend is tolerated here. While walking with a long haired buddy in a hawiian shirt one evening, a guy on a moped stopped out of the blue before us, shut off his engine and asked if we wanted to get happy. I almost had my belt undone before he said, "No, do you want to buy drugs? Weed? Opium?" 
"ooooohhhh"


~Things I've learned in Laos: The more fun the shit on the menu is, the less fun the staff is.


Each year 9 Australians, usually young backpackers, die in Vang Vieng. Most drown while tubing down the river. The wide variety of bars along the river eager to toss you a line and refill your Whisky/Redbull bucket may or may not be a contributing factor. Other dangerous yet fun activities include Kayaking, Hot Air Ballooning, Boat Tours, Rock Climbing, Spelunking in any of the various caves in the area, and Rock Climbing.


The other major pass time is drinking. BeerLao, the local brew is exceptionally good. Buckets of booze and redbull are dirt cheap and often come with free TShirts. Thatched roof huts serve as bars with hammocks, beer pong, pool and makeshift dance floors. Fire dancers light up the night. Most are staffed with expats who've elected to extend their vacation in exchange for lo/no pay and a free room. 


~Things I've learned in Laos: The party doesn't start till after midnight.

NYE 2011 (or 2012)

When we say new years eve, do we mean the year that just ended or the year that's just about to start? I think technically it means the one that just ended. I'd just like to be clear.

The most recent new year's eve, and the last one according to the Mayan Calendar, was an amazing one for this Mayan.  (For some reason the Mayan calendar has some sort of relevance now, although not important enough to know any other important dates on it...here's a website if you ever want to know what day today is on the Mayan Calendar  http://mayancalendar4u.com/page/10215  and happy "white HAND manik' ~ gather will branches" day!)

I had drinks with a buddy as we strolled to the city and watched  the early fireworks at The Rocks. Then I headed to a friend's place for a NYE party at Circular Quay right between the bridge and opera house. Most of my favorite people from school were there. At midnight we moseyed down to the viewing area and watched an amazing fireworks show. If you like fireworks, this a 'bucket list kind of show'. Who doesn't like fireworks??

Back at the party we drank our host dry and he kicked us out. I don't blame him. We caught a bus to the beach and waited till the world turned enough to reveal the sun. A swim, a nap, a quick packing job and 8 hours later was on a first class flight to BKK.

Pretty good start huh?

National Beer

Oh, so after my food rant I thought I'd hit up a beer rant. Not really a rant. A, noticement. Yes. Something I've noticed. Every country has a beer. Most have several.

In Canada we have several. There are the big breweries, Labatts, Molson, Moosehead, Keiths, and smaller microbrews putting out gems like Propeller, Thirsty Beaver, Innis & Gun and probably thousands of others. Unfortunately the Americans have started sending their sexing in a canoe northbound. I read recently that Budweiser, the king of awful swamp piss, is now the number one beer in the country. I blame that fully on drunken asshole wannabe cowboys during Stampede who believe that the superbowl Clydesdales really have something to do with beer. In Canada you say cheers by clinking your glasses together and saying "cheers!". Or, if you're French "Sante", or even "Salut", which is what the Italians say. I don't know what their beer is.

In Cape Breton you might say Slainte, due to the desperate clinging to celtic roots they're doing there.

In france we drank this stuff called 1853 or something like that. French beer isn't great.

In thailand they had 3 major beers i noticed. Chang, Shingai and Tiger? maybe. I know there was a third. You say cheers there by saying "Chok-tee" In Cambodia it was Ankor. Truely great beer. I had so much I don't remember how to say cheers there.

I have several Swedish friends here in Aus. They say Skaal, which sort of sounds like Skoal. Here in Aus there are several major beer labels. VB seems to be a working class beer. Its good I think. There's Tooeys, XXXX, and Carleton as well. They have many smaller breweries making some really great beers. They say cheers here.

I met a girl from Austria this summer and we hung out for a few days. They speak german there. She told me that they say Prost, which is specific to cheersing beer. There is another for wine, and yet another for good health. Too much work. Prost it is.

The most common beer in the world is Henekein, which is dutch. They say Proost. Thats easy to remember. They're close to the germans, so is their cheers.

On that note, I'm about to have a corona with my fajita! Salud!! (Spanish for cheers)

Drinking with the swedes again

I've made friends with these three swedish girls from school.  Not only are they really good around a camera, but they're alot of fun to hang out with. 

The other night at about 11 I got call from one of the swedes. I was going to turn in early but, what the hell, they were at a bar just up the street. I wandered up the road. When I got there I saw the girls and a friend of theirs, a girl from New Hampshire. Nice girl. Had no idea where New Brunswick was. We'll not hold that against her though.

One of my friends has a broken foot from a drinking accident. These things happen. Being the nice guy that I am I offered to ferry drinks from the bar for her. On one trip a very attractive woman ran her hand down my back and then turned around like she didn't do it. So of course I called her on it and ended up chatting with her. Unfortunately she was boring as hell. Oh and she wasn't interested in me, she was interested in the three swedish chicks; who were all making out at the time.

So, me, the three Swedish chicks, the chick from New Hampshire and the Aussie lesbian all started drinking. I was going slow because I had things to do the next day. One of the swedes left and wasn't allowed back in. The drunk lesbian started telling me how much she hated me. Then she started really hitting on one of the Swedes, which sorta freaked them out. The girl from New Hampshire told me she wanted to make out with me. One of the swedes went to find the swede that got kicked out. Appearantly the burger place accepts people too drunk for bars, cause that's where she ended up.

The bouncer came over and told me the lesbian had to leave. I told him I didn't know the lass. He told me that she's been sitting at my table. (Typical bouncer logic) I told him she's been sitting at lots of tables, but I didn't show up with her, I ain't leaving with her, if she's gotta go, that's his problem. Well, he didn't like that much, but I was still standing so there wasn't too much he could do. Plus he was confused now.

End of the night, 2 out of 3 swedes are booted out, our new lesbian friend is on a couch crying on some other girl, the girl from New Hampshire gave me her number and I walked home. Ok, not a barn burner of an evening  but, hell, what'd you do this weekend?

Australia

Everything here is a lot like home but just a little different. Here's an example; they drive on the wrong side of the road here.

In 1971 Burger King tried to move in here, but couldn't because the name was already taken. Well kids, you just can't keep a good franchise down. They made a deal with this guy jack Cowan to run all the franchises here and gave him a list if names he could use. Hungry Jack was a name Pilsbury, who owned BK at the time, already owned so jack picked that but changed it to Hungry Jack's. Vain I'd say.

Anyway, it's just not the same. They don't use strips of bacon, they use these slices of back bacon that are more like ham. They don't have a creepy king in their ads either. They do have a whopper, and a whopper jr though.

In Australia they have drunk driving laws like we do. The limit is lower, .05 instead if .08. Oh, and they call it drink driving. No idea what that means. Drunk driving means your driving drunk. Drink driving means that you sound silly when you're saying it.

Oh, and the standard beer size here seems to be the schooner. However, for my Calgary friends, it's not a big ass beer. It's more like 3/4 of a pint. But more expensive.

Australia is full of bugs, and some are quite venomous. They don't put screens on their windows in a lot of places. I don't have any. I get bitten in the night.

You can drink beer on the streets here. You can sit on a park bench on a busy street in front of a gay boutique and drink a box if wine (that may have come in contact with nuts, eggs and/or fish products) and scream at people as they walk by without much resistance. There are alcohol free zones here though. During a big street party I wandered through one of said zones unaware, passing a phalanx of cops, and not one said a word. In Moncton the local Mountie would have thrown his mountain bike on the ground, seized the contraband, poured it's contents onto the road and given the author a stern lecture.

Australia is not a very religious country. In fact, one in 5 say their not religious at all. If they were all illiterate the missionaries would be quite busy. Unfortunately they are all quite educated and have rejected the idea of religion instead of being ignorant of it. The Vatican will have to settle for keeping the sex lives of poorer populations in check for a while longer.

Public displays of affection are common here. It's not odd to see a couple in the grocery store kissing. Oh Margret, this summer sausage is turning me on...Me too Gary!
The other night while having a drink on a patio overlooking the opera house a couple close to us was having a full on makeout session. I think he got to second. (that means he got boob) No one paid them much attention.

Flip flops are called thongs here. That would make the Thong Song a lot less risqué.

The bouncers here are friendly, professional and trained. Dear Canada, the rest if the world doesn't let steroid raging cretins with authority issues loose on it's drunks. Take notes.

There seems to be no end to Turkish take out restaurants here.

Many bars here are called hotels. I dont know why.

There are some similarities however. It appears that the phone companies here are run by assholes, just like home. Speaking of which, Bell can go fuck themselves. I sincerely hope their board of directors get some sort of painful disease that slowly causes them to go deaf and disfigured them in some horrible way. I'm thinking elephant man here, or that movie Mask that Cher was in, or like Gary Busey or something. Something awful. I would really like to kick their CEO in the balls. I'm not talking a little ankle flick here either, I'm talking coming off the ground a foot or two, Rochambough kick. The kind that hurts so much he throws up. I think there is probably a special place in hell for phone company execs. If Robert Picton was picking up phone company execs instead of hookers, a jury would have let him go. Probation at best.

Other than that Australians seem to be a fun group of folks who take things in stride and seem to have fun. I think I'm going to like it here!

Bangkok Day 1...Do you smell that?

Its 4:10 here in  Bangkok, i'm sitting with a Change beer I bought for about 90 Cents. I'm not even expected to tip.

My flight was glorious. Royal silk class on thai air. The food was marvelous, a blend of western and Thai delights. A finecky eater I tried everthing put in front of me. The first thing was an appetizer of a giant scallop served with minced mangos. It was cold but still good (I prefer mine served hot wrapped in bacon..but we're trying new things aren't we)

I managed to sleep quite well as my seat reclined almost all the way. I awoke a few hours before landing and watched a movie, was served some sort of pasta dish and disembarked. I was sad to leave that plane!

I got my luggage and was dissapointed to find my bags had been broken into. I later found a nice note from the TSA saying they were the culprits but not to worry everything was put back.

First, they didn't need to break the lock, they could have used their pass key, I bought very expensive coded locks authorized by the TSA becasue they have pass keys that match the coded locks. Second, not everything was put back. A very expensive piece of my belongings is missing. I'm not happy thinking that some under educated halfwit TSA agent, who was so angry to not be able to grope anyone because he was on bag duty yesterday, is now surfing my very impressive collection of porn. I'm kidding. Its not that impressive. But there was alot of shit on there I needed. Oh well. Time to write yet ANOTHER NASTY letter

The trainride into the city short enough, me humping 3 heavy bags around. People are friendly and helpful. The ride in through the suburbs, and as I was to find, the city itself is polarized between wealth and abject poverty. Its more strongly marked by their proximity to one another. Broken down concrete buildings sit half finsished, or abandoned, amongst dilapitated correguated steel huts. Near by workers are constructing new buildings. Glittering condos with golden facades share the same blocks.

I got a cab and was charged exactly what the book I got said I should, 80 baht. Less than $4.00. Easily a half hour ride. I checked in but my room wasn't ready, so I dropped off my gear and hit the streets. Bankok is an amazing town. At 8 am people are setting up. The smell of food, garbage, spices, perfume and rotting meat are everywhere.Old ladies are cooking pad thai on the street conners. ENtire fish are bbq'd, heads on, and served on a stick.


I detoured through an alley at one point, trying to get back to a landmark I had noticed earlier. There were people living in this alley, in tiny apartments the size of my living room. They were watching TV with their kids, while they prepared prawns, chicken, mystery meats of all kinds in giant bowls on the floor. BBQ carts were wheeled out the their doorways in preparation for the day. People were sleeping in lawn chairs on the street. I felt like I was walking through the kitchen of a hotel, the place you're not supposed to see during your stay. No one paid me any attention.

Back on the main route there was a seamstrees sitting with an ancient sewing machine fixing the hem on a jacket belonging to a police officer. A man sitting on the sidewalk was rebuilding an engine. I paid 10 baht for a 7up at a little hair salon. People talked to me, asked where I was going, a few were helpful.

I stoped at a gov't sanctioned tourist bureau and got tickets to a fight tonight. Maui thai, the real thing too. Tomorrow I have a full day trek. I'll get to that. The guy at the bureau, chris, showed me on a little map all the things to watch for, and what to see. He told me the big temple is never closed, so don't let anyone tell you it is and trick you into paying to see it. Don't let anyone take you on trips around the city, they'll take you to more expensive place where they get kickbacks or will extort you. Watch for people who are friendly and want to show you things on your map. THey are probably trying to scam you.  I thanked chris and went on my way.

Waiting at a light a nice gentleman with most of his teeth and a blue shirt asked me where I was from. I said canada and he said "Oh, Vancouver!" POinting to himself. He didn't look like a douchebag, but maybe he was from there...( ok ok, just Canuck fans...) He told me for 20 baht his friend would take me on a tour of the best places. He told me that the big temple was closed every day but today and so I had to go right away. I thanked him and he protested telling me I was missing out.

I got Pad Thai and a beer for 120 baht, about $3.60. I bought 3 tshirts I just know are gonna fall apart when I wash them, but the designs are very cool. One's a monkey flipping off no one in particular. I tried to get a cab back to the hotel, but they wanted 200b. Its only about 7 bucks, but i got a ride from the airport for 80b, and that was a half hour drive. I got mad and walked home. About a half hour walk. I needed the excerise...I need to fit into those shirts after I wash em.

Off to the fights. I'll let you know what happens. Apparently the foreigners sit up front. They tell you its a place of honour, but really they just don't want to be the ones sprayed with sweat, blood and the odd tooth.

The Red Carpet Club

I'm sitting in the Star Alliance Red Carpet Club. Its a wonderous place where you can set your luggage down and walk away from it without worrying about being accosted by a TSA agent who's God Given powers of groping are taken advantage of with great gusto. There are places to plug in your laptop and iPhone. There are snacks. Peppered cheeses and crackers so light they feel like they were made from the dandruff of an angel. There are men lounging around who have so enjoyed such extravagances over the years they have become round and bloated |They take up entire couches,  their penises a distant memory buried under a subcutaneous layer of cheese and liquor invoked fatness.

Wondrous creatures strut amongst the comfy chairs of this oasis, adorned in the latest fashions, leaving a vapor trail of confidence and chic. I know some of them are famous.I'm just not in tune enough to know how. I'm pretty sure the chick that plays Pam on the office was in here. I tried to get a picture but it was as though she had a 6th sense for that type of thing.

There is free liquor. Lots of it. Not all though. Segrams 7 is free. Canadian club is $7.50. But draft is free. It's a little slice of heaven to be sure. If you weren't careful, you might be fooled into thinking you were human.

But nothing worth having is without some strife.I had to over come the beast cerebus to gain entrance past the gates. This three headed monster would never let a mere coach travelling mortal such as myself into a garden such as this. The lead head regarded me suspiciously as I handed over my boarding pass from a previous flight, quickly pointing out that this was an oasis for the elite. I dodged and countered with my itinerary, showing my upcoming business class flight. The second head was now awakened and with a powerful thrust and gnashing maw entered my flight details into the magic box. I parried,  standing my ground until i was rewarded my golden fleece...a free internet access card and a welcoming, albeit begrudging wave into The inner sanctum of sanity.

As i was writing this a nice woman with a Carribean accent of some sort came by to clean a nearby table. I asked how she was and she said she was very well and asked how I was. I told her I was tired to which she replied..."You are human you know" If you're not careful...you might just believe it my friends, fortunately reality exists beyond the sliding glass doors of this red carpeted Eden. I'll break this spell yet!

This is what an $8.45 beer looks like.

"burke in the box"

Mcarran Int'l Airport 

Las Vegas NV

It was actually really good, and if you look close you can see the reflection of a really handsome man taking a picture!!