Laos

We landed in Udon Thani in a plane with a duck bill painted nose. A quick drive brought us to the border. It took about an hour to get about 30 of us through. Travelling with a 70 year old Thai TV star makes life interesting. People stopped to ask her questions or get pics and she'd make them laugh with her antics.

Welcome to Laos, pop 6,200,894. The hammer and sickle flags are a dead give away that we'd entered a communist state. Be that as it may, capitalism is alive and well here. The myriad of electronics, tonics, and pirated harmonics (music dvds, its a stretch, I know, but if you can do better....) on display at the duty free is a testament to that.
   
~Things I've learned in Laos: If there is a light above your bed LEAVE IT OFF or a staggering number of minuscule flies will fly into the light and stay there until they are cooked to death, only to fall onto your pillow.


After a few purchases we loaded the vans for a 4 hour trip over the worst roads I've ever driven on...and I've driven to Indian Mountain and back. Its not like dirt roads, its worse. It's dirt roads that used to be paved, but years if not decades of indifference have left them a mangled track of jutting tarmac and stone peppered between ten meter stretches of solid pavement. Our driver treated it like the groomed concrete of a formula 1 track. Passing on blind corners, being forced onto jarring shoulders where holes and stone were the norm, and dodging oncoming traffic seemed very much the norm to him.



Arriving in Vang Vieng is like arriving in a past that's been victimized by the present. Thatched huts line the roads along the village. Legions of scooters scamper through the streets overtaken by rumbling trucks and vans laden with inner tubes and foreigners. Restaurants featuring raised seating platforms with stubby little tables face plasma screens blasting Friends, or The Family Guy. I would hazard that 90 percent of restaurants or bars are playing one of those two shows. Depending on the time of day, the corpses of stoned or hung over backpackers are strewn across the cushions and mats at each table.


~Things I've learned in Laos:  A bottle of Whiskey for 15,000 kip (+/- $1.80). If there's a snake in it, "Don't worry, it acts like viagra"-bartender, Smile Bar.


Colonised by the French, their Asian servants fought back and reclaimed Loas leaving behind a varied culinary culture. Coffee, baguettes and pasteries are served neatly beside Larp and Laos BBQ. The food is amazing and cheap. The latest incarnation of Laos cuisine includes pizzas, garlic bread, brownies and milkshakes prepared with weed, mushrooms or opium. It's been the hot topic of discussion over dinner lately.


Drugs are highly illegal, this being asia, and a communist country no less, however the trend is tolerated here. While walking with a long haired buddy in a hawiian shirt one evening, a guy on a moped stopped out of the blue before us, shut off his engine and asked if we wanted to get happy. I almost had my belt undone before he said, "No, do you want to buy drugs? Weed? Opium?" 
"ooooohhhh"


~Things I've learned in Laos: The more fun the shit on the menu is, the less fun the staff is.


Each year 9 Australians, usually young backpackers, die in Vang Vieng. Most drown while tubing down the river. The wide variety of bars along the river eager to toss you a line and refill your Whisky/Redbull bucket may or may not be a contributing factor. Other dangerous yet fun activities include Kayaking, Hot Air Ballooning, Boat Tours, Rock Climbing, Spelunking in any of the various caves in the area, and Rock Climbing.


The other major pass time is drinking. BeerLao, the local brew is exceptionally good. Buckets of booze and redbull are dirt cheap and often come with free TShirts. Thatched roof huts serve as bars with hammocks, beer pong, pool and makeshift dance floors. Fire dancers light up the night. Most are staffed with expats who've elected to extend their vacation in exchange for lo/no pay and a free room. 


~Things I've learned in Laos: The party doesn't start till after midnight.

Drinking with the swedes again

I've made friends with these three swedish girls from school.  Not only are they really good around a camera, but they're alot of fun to hang out with. 

The other night at about 11 I got call from one of the swedes. I was going to turn in early but, what the hell, they were at a bar just up the street. I wandered up the road. When I got there I saw the girls and a friend of theirs, a girl from New Hampshire. Nice girl. Had no idea where New Brunswick was. We'll not hold that against her though.

One of my friends has a broken foot from a drinking accident. These things happen. Being the nice guy that I am I offered to ferry drinks from the bar for her. On one trip a very attractive woman ran her hand down my back and then turned around like she didn't do it. So of course I called her on it and ended up chatting with her. Unfortunately she was boring as hell. Oh and she wasn't interested in me, she was interested in the three swedish chicks; who were all making out at the time.

So, me, the three Swedish chicks, the chick from New Hampshire and the Aussie lesbian all started drinking. I was going slow because I had things to do the next day. One of the swedes left and wasn't allowed back in. The drunk lesbian started telling me how much she hated me. Then she started really hitting on one of the Swedes, which sorta freaked them out. The girl from New Hampshire told me she wanted to make out with me. One of the swedes went to find the swede that got kicked out. Appearantly the burger place accepts people too drunk for bars, cause that's where she ended up.

The bouncer came over and told me the lesbian had to leave. I told him I didn't know the lass. He told me that she's been sitting at my table. (Typical bouncer logic) I told him she's been sitting at lots of tables, but I didn't show up with her, I ain't leaving with her, if she's gotta go, that's his problem. Well, he didn't like that much, but I was still standing so there wasn't too much he could do. Plus he was confused now.

End of the night, 2 out of 3 swedes are booted out, our new lesbian friend is on a couch crying on some other girl, the girl from New Hampshire gave me her number and I walked home. Ok, not a barn burner of an evening  but, hell, what'd you do this weekend?

Vegetarian Non alcoholic Indian Movies

Went out for a birthday party this week. Went to a place called Godiva. Indian food! Sweet!

So we get there.Smells good. Oh wait...somethings amiss! VEGETARIAN INDIAN FOOD! Dammit!! Sigh. Ok, no problem. I'll try it. Hey, how about a beer while we're waiting? Hmmm...something else seems amis! NON ALCOHOLIC BEER!? Dammit! I had a full on Homer Simpson moment.

The meal was actually good. Love a buffet. Eat till you can barely move. Come to find out, there's a movie theatre downstairs. AND they don't have seats, they have these big cushions you lean back on. AND its only $10. Movies here are insanely expensive. So this is great news!

Handling Swedish Bi-Curiousity at an Advanced age

When you go back to school in your mid 30s, things are definately different. I can't drink until 4 am and get up at 8 and go to class anymore. I didn't before but I COULD if I wanted to. But I slept in usually.

Another thing I've noticed is that I don't relate well to younger people. Right now I'm acting as producer for a short film. I'm the oldest person in my group by far. On other guy just turned 30 I think. My entire camera crew is 20 and under. One of them asked me the other day what I thought I'd do after film school. I said "Make movies". She said "Oh really? I thought I might go back to school and figure out what I want to do." Really.

Some of the people in my class were born after the first couple of seasons of Sienfeld. They never saw the Smurfs on Saturday mornings. Not even the later episodes when they were holding on for dear life and introduced smurflings and a stupid prince. Some of these kids were born AFTER Appetite for Destruction came out. Most were in the cradle when Smells like Teen Spirit hit the charts.

The other night I went out with these girls I know from school. Notorious party animals, but really good at the stuff we're learning. I get to the bar, which has $4 drinks all night,  and I can't find them because we're on 2 different levels. They finally find me and 2 of them are hammered. They go off to dance and I hit the bar with the 3rd. We get our drinks and look for the girls. They're on a couch making out next to the stage. I laugh and say, hey, your room mates are getting busy over there. So she just laughs and we head over. I figured they'd stop when we got there. Nope. The third one just joined right in.

So I'm sitting on a couch with three 20 year old swedish girls who are all making out. One ends up halfusitting on my lap for a while. Guys in the club are looking at me like I'm Hef. So they break it up for a while and this dude buys me a drink. He says, "I don't know which one's your girlfriend, but that's awsome mate!!" I just smiled. Later one of them would tell me I was the coolest 35 year old she knew. That made me feel good.... She then told me that if she was older, like 25 or something, she'd totally try to pick me up.

We get tired of the crazy loud techno/house/rap/dance/electronic 'music' we're being subjected to (to be honest I kinda liked it) and head to an Irish place called Scruffy Murphy's. I get wanded before I go in and have to pay cover. I hate paying cover. Most places don't charge here.

Now this place is weird, to get in you have to go through one door, up stairs, across the length of the bar, then back down stairs where there's another set of doors your only allowed to leave through. One of the girls decides she's too drunk about half way through. Right out of the blue. I go get her some water and she's just about comatose when I get back. Some dude was trying to pick her up. Then he acted like I'm an asshole when I told him to shove off. Oh, and her friends have ditched her. So I threw her in a cab. She invited me back to her place, but the shade of green she's turning tells me that that isn't a good idea. (Find out the next night she got kicked out of the cab for redecorating the back seat in a nice shade of sea food).

So, yeah, thats what I'm dealing with. How was your weekend?

Australia

Everything here is a lot like home but just a little different. Here's an example; they drive on the wrong side of the road here.

In 1971 Burger King tried to move in here, but couldn't because the name was already taken. Well kids, you just can't keep a good franchise down. They made a deal with this guy jack Cowan to run all the franchises here and gave him a list if names he could use. Hungry Jack was a name Pilsbury, who owned BK at the time, already owned so jack picked that but changed it to Hungry Jack's. Vain I'd say.

Anyway, it's just not the same. They don't use strips of bacon, they use these slices of back bacon that are more like ham. They don't have a creepy king in their ads either. They do have a whopper, and a whopper jr though.

In Australia they have drunk driving laws like we do. The limit is lower, .05 instead if .08. Oh, and they call it drink driving. No idea what that means. Drunk driving means your driving drunk. Drink driving means that you sound silly when you're saying it.

Oh, and the standard beer size here seems to be the schooner. However, for my Calgary friends, it's not a big ass beer. It's more like 3/4 of a pint. But more expensive.

Australia is full of bugs, and some are quite venomous. They don't put screens on their windows in a lot of places. I don't have any. I get bitten in the night.

You can drink beer on the streets here. You can sit on a park bench on a busy street in front of a gay boutique and drink a box if wine (that may have come in contact with nuts, eggs and/or fish products) and scream at people as they walk by without much resistance. There are alcohol free zones here though. During a big street party I wandered through one of said zones unaware, passing a phalanx of cops, and not one said a word. In Moncton the local Mountie would have thrown his mountain bike on the ground, seized the contraband, poured it's contents onto the road and given the author a stern lecture.

Australia is not a very religious country. In fact, one in 5 say their not religious at all. If they were all illiterate the missionaries would be quite busy. Unfortunately they are all quite educated and have rejected the idea of religion instead of being ignorant of it. The Vatican will have to settle for keeping the sex lives of poorer populations in check for a while longer.

Public displays of affection are common here. It's not odd to see a couple in the grocery store kissing. Oh Margret, this summer sausage is turning me on...Me too Gary!
The other night while having a drink on a patio overlooking the opera house a couple close to us was having a full on makeout session. I think he got to second. (that means he got boob) No one paid them much attention.

Flip flops are called thongs here. That would make the Thong Song a lot less risqué.

The bouncers here are friendly, professional and trained. Dear Canada, the rest if the world doesn't let steroid raging cretins with authority issues loose on it's drunks. Take notes.

There seems to be no end to Turkish take out restaurants here.

Many bars here are called hotels. I dont know why.

There are some similarities however. It appears that the phone companies here are run by assholes, just like home. Speaking of which, Bell can go fuck themselves. I sincerely hope their board of directors get some sort of painful disease that slowly causes them to go deaf and disfigured them in some horrible way. I'm thinking elephant man here, or that movie Mask that Cher was in, or like Gary Busey or something. Something awful. I would really like to kick their CEO in the balls. I'm not talking a little ankle flick here either, I'm talking coming off the ground a foot or two, Rochambough kick. The kind that hurts so much he throws up. I think there is probably a special place in hell for phone company execs. If Robert Picton was picking up phone company execs instead of hookers, a jury would have let him go. Probation at best.

Other than that Australians seem to be a fun group of folks who take things in stride and seem to have fun. I think I'm going to like it here!

Crying babies at 27000

Everyone has a horror story of crying babies on a plane. Mine is no different...except that, this particular little bundle of mucus and joy, is crying in French. Normally when a baby starts in on the screaming you can mutter under your breath, toward the parent who seems perfectly content to allow their spawn to ruin my attempt at catching up on sleep, something like "Oh, for God's sake, just give him/her/it the damn bottle/toy/sedative."

HOWever, when your cabin mate/is screaming en francais, its more difficult to determine what the tadpole is screaming for. It makes muttering specifics under your breath more difficult. Always the optimist, and innovator, I stuck to stereotypes and muttered something about giving the little imp a bottle of wine and perhaps some deoderant. Vivre la France!!!  And viva las vegas...landing soon. Can't wait to drink and gamble at the airport!!

Sergeon General Warns Going Away Parties May Damage Your Liver



Evans Consoles



Well, I said goodbye to everyone at the office yesterday. That was tougher than I expected. But I guess when you get up everyday and go to the same place for almost 3 years you get kind of fond of it.

Kickers 1st st SW Calgary

Went down to Kickers, a restaurant just opened by my friend Tom. He had some customers so he handed me a beer and I just chilled. The beer was MTL, a really great easy lager microbrewed in the old city. I chatted with some folks who overheard me say I was leaving. They made me promise them I'd visit Tasmania and New Zealand. I'll do my best, but it might not be this trip.... I'm not even gone yet and I'm meeting other tourists who have advice on where to go.

Four or five beers later and the boys showed up. Tom made us 4 or the best smoked meat sandwiches I've ever had. I love food. Headed back to Tom's and had rum. I love rum, yes I do.

We went to the Rose and Crown. I like the rose, but I gotta say, the bouncers there are, with a few exceptions, dumbass morons. Its amazing what the most miniscule amount of power will do to a complete idiot. Its too bad, they are the only dark spot on an otherwise great bar. Al's a great bartender and if you get a chance to talk to him, he's done alot of travelling and has some good stories.

Man, alot of people showed up. Turns out I'm quite popular! (Take that awkward highschool years!!) I don't think a moment went by when I didn't have a beer in my hand. Shots of Jack, something called a Koala, tequila... Great night all around. Thanks everyone.