Strange tales of Thai.

Thai people can't add
Yeah, that's a gross generalization, but this is my story - go write your own if you don't want to read sweeping generalizations about an entire country. You hit a shop here and the sales folks all have calculators. Big ones. You ask a price for something and they type it out on the countin' box then immediately hNd it to you for your counter offer. I thought it was just for communicating. Three days ago I bought a boat ticket for 600b. I gave dude 1000. He had to use the calculator for the change. Then I started watching. It happens all the time. Quick, three nights in a room at 400/night... How much do I owe? Thai hotel clerks need to use a calculator to figure it out.

White guys on mopeds
There's a strange cultural phenomenon here. I remember a video years back by good Charlotte or Blink 182 maybe. One of those bands with so much black eye makeup, hair dye and tattoos that they look like walking shadows dressed up like white folks for Halloween. The video had a bunch of geriatric actors dressed and behaving like teenaged idiots. Just being young and stupid. They could have filmed that in Krabi Thailand

Scores of enthusiastic silverbacks can be seen screaming through the streets at night on scooters. Long grey hair, white goatees, beer guts hanging out over their ancient crotches and resting on the vinyl seat of a 125cc speed machine. Often a significantly younger Thai girl is riding pinion , or sometimes driving if grandpa has had one too many vodka/prune juices.

You'll see them trolling along, stopping in front of the 7-11 to chat with the young Thai girls taking a break from riding thier scooters to get a coke and a new sim card. The Thai girls, some of them I mean, I know how you feel about generalizations, are completely game. They'll see some newly invigorated Ben Gay receptacle and wave saying "hello my boyfriend!". Hey quickly stops reminiscing about his Plymouth Rock landing and say "hey where you going!?" all excited and titillated. Then they become a very unlikely scooter gang, roaring off into the night to the next cocktail bar/bamboo hut.

It's like a playground for old divorcees who've found a new lease on life.
Viagra is a terrible thing...

Cultural differences
A good friend lived in japan for a spell and told me the girls there had an annoying habit of talking with hi pitched childlike voices. This has been confirmed by some other former inhabitants if the land if the rising sun I know.

The other night I was walking by some seafood place and a lady out front is saying Hi to everyone walking by. Common practice here, and tough work, the boardwalks are slammed with tourist bastards in the evenings.

So this lady is saying hi, over and over, you can hear her 3 doors down. I want to buy her a pack of "Fishermans Friends" and give her a hug. Then all of a sudden, she practically screams, in a voice a full 2 octaves higher and several decibels louder "halloooooo! Welcooooome!". I actually jumped it had startled me so.

I didn't think about it again. Well, I've walked by this place a few times since, it's on the was to the beach and near the diveshop I've been hanging out at. It's happened 3 or 4 more times. Then I noticed, she only does it when there are Japanese people walking by. I stood and watched for a few minutes last night to confirm my suspicions, it she did it again about a 2 minutes into my investigation when a Japanese couple walked by. I recognized them by their hello kitty backpacks and the professional grade cameras where their faces should have been.

Food
Some of the best food comes from carts on the street. Theres a ton of competition and there's no small amount of pride in the traditional dishes they tend to serve at a third of the price of a restaurant.

Thais generally do a pisspoor job of western food in general. Breakfast is weak at best, burgers are not made of beef. They do however do a good job on pizza. They tend to favour thin crust pizza cooked in a wood oven. I've had 3. All fantastic.

McDonalds, BK Pizza Hut, and others are slowly making their mark here. It's a shame that a place with such a rich culinary history is being diluted so a few assholes can make a few more bucks selling mystery meat disguised as cheeseburgers to a ballooning society. I hope Ronald McDonald and that creepy ass king from the BK commercials have massive heartattacks resulting in quadruple by passes, then spend their days in a home for the infirm, being visited less and less often over the years by Mayor McCheese, the Hamburgler and Grimace, all of whom are anxiously awaiting their deaths and a healthy inheritance. The petty infighting would have begun on day one.

Thats all I got for now.

Just about a perfect day

I found Nemo - Saying goodnight
Feb 7 2011
Up at 630, picked up a friend at 7 and hit the dive shop at 715  20 mins later a bus picked us up and drove us to a longtail boat. We transferred to the dive boat from there. Once there the divemaster discovered that I didn't have my open water cert. Well. Lots of chattering on German... Phone calls to the main land, heated debate about my fate. They finally decided that I would do a "discover scuba" dive, then the money I spent would get put toward my open water. Sweet

For breakfast we had sticky rice and mango, fried dough with condensed milk, bananas, and sticky rice with spicy coconut. Amazingly good.

Filled out some forms, wrote a test on material I last read almost a year ago (92% thank you). Finally I got in on the 2nd dive. Anemone reef.

My first open dive was unreal. We did some skills then descended. The coral was amazing. Fish of every colour flippered along alone or in schools of hundreds. My instructor kept tabs on me and I stuck close.  The whole thing was exhilarating.

Back on the boat we had lunch , rice with green curry, and some sort of veggie stir fry. It was all great!  We paddled to the next spot about an hour away and suited up at shark point.

The wild life underwater is amazing, giant schools of tiny fish, reefs that tower above you, stripped eels, neon finned little fish. I saw a leopard shark, they are a neat little shark.  Sharks have to keep water flowing into their mouths and out their gills to breathe. Therefore they most continually move.   This brilliant little fella sleeps all the time. He dies so by lying on the sea bed with his head in current, so water just flows through him while he dozes  Its the equivilant of sleeping at you desk while wearing glasses with eyeballs painted on the lenses.   We also saw a barracuda, great big black shrimp, clown fish (nemo), and on and on. I was limited to 12 m because of my cert issue, but still there was lots to see.

We steamed back to shore, about an hour and a half run, some folks got picked up about halfway on a longtail and went to a different beach.

We unloaded and figured out how I was going to finish the course. After much Deutch squabbling we got it settled and I left.

My new traveling companion, Bianca, had left before me to get cleaned up for dinner. I picked her up on the way and we went to my hostel so she could use the net. Hers didn't have it. I went up and showered off the salt and got changed.

We got dinner at the beach as the waves lapped the sand just yards away. Dinner was amazing. Thai barbecue, corn on the cob, baked potatoes. We ate and chatted about nothing in particular. She told me in broken English about some of the places shes dived around the world. I told her about hockey.

Later we wandered up the beach where she bought a lantern. She lit it and we waited for it to fill with heat to ascend. Finally it lifted gracefully from her fingertips and slowly floated to the stars.  We watched it sail away into the night for a long time until it gently flickered out and disappeared.

We ended the night with a drink and watched a fire show on the street outside "the Coconut Bar"

We left, and walked up the strip to her bungalo and said goodbye. She's now off to koh samoi, I've another 2 days in Krabi. Traveling is funny. The only constant is you. New hostels, new scenery, new friends; but as soon as you get to know a place, a person, or a custom, it's time to move on. The shotgun approach to life I suppose.

Koh phi phi for 3 dives tomorrow.  Can't wait

Krabi - open flies and ass massages

Thai people have this annoying habit of extending the last syllable of every word fir about three beats. There's a little upwards inflection at the end... You want Thai massaaa-aaage? Next stop station Surat Thanieeeee-eee. You want order some pad thaaaa-aaaai?

First thing in the morning when you're tring to sleep and the porter is announcing every stop on the way to your destination it's really aggrivating. And he repeated each station over and over as he passes through the sleeping car.

On the way to the beach...
Sir you want to buy a suuu-uuit? Tailor just for yoooo-oooou. No I don't want a suit, I'm wearing flowered shorts and a wifebeater carrying a towel and sun screen. Unless there's a board meeting at the beach and Donald trump is gonna fire someone, I'm not in need of a tailored suit, two shirts and two ties at the moment. But thanks dude, good eye! Of course I'll probably need a suit at some point when I'm in Aus and will kick myself for not investing the $100.

I'm pretty good natured but after a while you get tire of politely smiling and saying Mâi ao khàp khun(no thank you). Yesterday on the way to meet a friend I had been pitched about 50 items before I got half way to where I needed to be. At one point some guy looks at me "sir..." I cut him of and sigh "Mâi ao khàp khun..." with no small hint of aggitation. "but sir, your zipper is down". I turned, looked down, saw the errant fly and just looked at the guy embarrased. He was just trying to do me a favor and I was growly. I laughed and gave him heart felt thanks in Thai and zipped up. He realized I was apologetic and just laughed. They really are easy going and nice here most of the time.

Tonight I booked a scuba trip, booked a hotel for tomorrow, bought a dry bag and got a coconut oil Thai massage. I smell like a piña collata. Little did I know that the coconut oil doubles the price of the massage. However, I felt so good afterwards I gladly ponied up the $12. Shoulda asked for a receipt :).

The massage was great, in an open air gazebo on a lane following the beach. I could hear the waves and, at a nearby resort, a guitar player was crooning soft rock ; tears in heaven, hotel California, bob marley tunes, brown eyed girl... All the stuff I used to play down at the beach when we had bonfires.

The funny thing about the massage was, she had me strip down right there in the salon, which is open to the road. So I get down to my skivvies. Luckily they werent a ratty old pair. Then she has me lay on my belly, throws a towel over my posterior, and prceeds to tuck it into my underwear. Now half my ass is hanging out for the whole beach to see. Not only that, she spent a great deal of time working on my glutes. With her elbows. Apparently massages get pretty personal. More than once she had her hands in my CKs and I wondered if MY coconuts were going to get oiled.

At one point she was actually walsing up the backs of my legs. It felt fantastic.When all was said and done I got up feeling groggy and happy. I actually walked away without Laing then I went back and apologized and paid with a tip.

Then I joined a new friend of mine from Austria and I got a bite at a resort where they had a fire show. Spinning flaming batons etc and a fire breather. Very cool. The food was divine. I'd gotten the buffet so I snuck out two pieces of chocolate cake from the dessert cart and we ate them on the beach whilst paper lanterns were set afloat at points all along the beach. Now I'm at the hostel and ready to fall asleep. Time to set the alarm and try to get 6 hours sleep before my big scuba day. Back home everyone's Monday is just beginning. Have a great day everyone, we'll see you in the morning...