Crossing From Laos to Thailand

The sun hung blood red in the morning haze over Vang Vieng. It's burning season, the air is thick with burnt rice fields. Though the early morning air held a chill, the heat in my windowless closet of a room afforded me no sleep the night before.

Groggy, tired and feeling ill, I said goodbye to my friends Ana, Peter and Vet, and we piled into another grey van. I can't count the number of grey vans I've sat in since arriving in SE Asia this trip. The road to Udon Thani is pure hell. Walter described it as being in a washing machine. 170 kms takes 4 hours. An entire morning being bumped, jostled  and thrown around a grey van. Its the first time I've felt car sick in decades.

We stopped for brunch at the Full Moon Cafe in Vientiane (the word moon appears in every second eating or drinking establishment in Laos it seems), a cool little spot that offers the service of uploading music to your iPod while you eat for a small fee. While pouring through the list of music our DP informed me that he was bringing some weed across the border with him. You can buy the stuff anywhere in SE Asia, but not as easily as in Vang Vieng, where we had left. Still, it seemed silly to me. The penalties are severe for that kind of thing in this part of the world.

After the best burger I'd had in ages, we loaded up the grey van. Our first stop was to drop Walter off at his hotel. He was heading straight to BKK to pick up his gear. His daughter had already headed that way earlier in the week. I'm gonna miss that guy, forever blowing himself up.

A couple hours later we hit the border. Our driver grabbed our passports and hopped out of the van. Our DP and Wrangler decided to go duty free shopping. The poisoned mayo, so common in Laos, loaded onto my burger was haunting me so I ducked out to find a bathroom. After I searched a while I walked past the van when our sound guy yelled through the window that we were done. The driver took care of everything, we were good to go. Less than 10 minutes for all 5 of us. Brilliant. I called the rest of the crew and we were leaving Laos and entering Thialand. We crossed the Friendship Bridge and waited to get into Laos as our driver took care of business again. Love that guy!!

I neglected to take a pic of the one at Udon Thani, here's
its counterpart in Ko Chang.

While waiting I noticed a sign that had writing in both Thai and Laos, with quite a bit of info. At the bottom, in English it simply read "Severely Punished". On the left was a skull and crossbones superimposed over a collage of pills, white powder and a bong.
"I guess the punishment of E, Coke or Weed is death." is said. No one seemed phased by that, especially our DP.

Five minutes later we were back in Thailand. One more shoot day at a dam outside Chiang Mai, then 2 days in Bangkok and I'm out of here. Snow and hockey, here I come!

Working on a movie

Working on a movie is a pretty cool thing. I'm meeting people that worked with Stallone on Rambo. I'm surrounded by creative minds and problem solvers. I'm making friends from another part of the world.

And it's exciting!

The other day a coworker was bit by a monkey. I watched an elephant put a bomb on a truck. I rode a rubber raft to set one night in the dark because it was the only way to get there. Oh, and the food on set is spectacular.

Then there's the other side. I'm staying in a shitty hotel fill of mosquitos (mosquitoes?). I've officially eaten too much rice. I'm done with rice. Fuck rice. I'm stuck in a small, hot room 12 hours per day doing something don't particularly enjoy.

I'm calling that last bit "paying my dues" for the moment. But I'm not meant to be someone's assistant. I resent being told to call someone and get information about things when there's a phone sitting beside that person. I resent catering to their strange requests solely on the basis that I "might learn something" because they've got more experience than me. Don't get me wrong, I've learned a lot but I hate feeling like I'm someone servant. Its a mental thing, a bizarre mistrust and dislike for authority. Maybe I'll get over it one day, but probably not.

On the plus, I'm headed to Laos in 5 days. Never been to Laos... let's see what happens.

L

NYE 2011 (or 2012)

When we say new years eve, do we mean the year that just ended or the year that's just about to start? I think technically it means the one that just ended. I'd just like to be clear.

The most recent new year's eve, and the last one according to the Mayan Calendar, was an amazing one for this Mayan.  (For some reason the Mayan calendar has some sort of relevance now, although not important enough to know any other important dates on it...here's a website if you ever want to know what day today is on the Mayan Calendar  http://mayancalendar4u.com/page/10215  and happy "white HAND manik' ~ gather will branches" day!)

I had drinks with a buddy as we strolled to the city and watched  the early fireworks at The Rocks. Then I headed to a friend's place for a NYE party at Circular Quay right between the bridge and opera house. Most of my favorite people from school were there. At midnight we moseyed down to the viewing area and watched an amazing fireworks show. If you like fireworks, this a 'bucket list kind of show'. Who doesn't like fireworks??

Back at the party we drank our host dry and he kicked us out. I don't blame him. We caught a bus to the beach and waited till the world turned enough to reveal the sun. A swim, a nap, a quick packing job and 8 hours later was on a first class flight to BKK.

Pretty good start huh?

Shark!! Diving off Don Phi Phi, Thailand

Went diving today!
Did my emergency ascent today. Dive 3. Did buddy breathing, mask removal, getting really good at bouyancy. 

We descended and at 6M I had a hard time equalizing my right ear so we went down slowly. All sorts of amazing things down there. Saw several black fin sharks. Very very cool. 

Dive 4
We landed beside a giant outcropping of rock. We suited up and got wet. Stunning coral mountains under the waves. Clown fish, giant eels, and some sort of lobster running along with something in it's mouth. Found out later it was a giant shrimp. Big as a lobster though. Huge schools of tiny fish darted in different directions, travelling in unison giving the illusion of a flag being battered by the wind. 

My right ear hurts a little bit and is full of water... Have to deal with that before I fly. 

Dive 5
Last dive wasn't so great, cold and a bit murky but there were SO many fish!! We could see them jumping out of the water as we pulled into Phi Phi don. They were swimming in great schools as we eased our way in and around them. Mackerel groupers, small tuna, moray eels hiding under rocks waiting for prey. 

So I am now a PADI certified diver. 55 more dives and I'm a dive master. That might take a while....

Leaving Thailand

Krabi-phucket-Melbourne-Sydney 

Scuba diving of Don Phi Phi in Thailand
saw black tip sharks here

 I'm thoroughly pissed off and sour at the moment. The boat ride from krabi was pleasant enough, got some sun, no one bothered me, listened to the white album most of the way to phucket. Not my favorite beetles album but there are some gems and you can't deny the outrageous talent those guys have.  

Short bus ride to the airport. I've a brutal sore throat which has surely been brought on by 3 or 4 days of la few hours of sleep each night from staying in the hottest hostel on the planet. Each morning I woke up completely dehydrated with sheets soaked in sweat. 2 of those mornings I had a 7am scuba trip lined up. They were awesome by the way. 

 I'm on a plane. Got the window, one row behind the bulkhead with all the footroom. Some couple with a baby is in those seats. A screaming baby. Beside me is a nice older couple, but all around me are really really hot Aussie chicks! Why can't I be sitting with them? (it's karma, I stole a pen from the hostel this morning)

Another baby off to my left just went off. Seriously, why the fuck do babies need to fly? They dont understand or appreciate any place you take em. They don't like flying, that's why they cry all the time. I think its cruel to make a baby fly. It should be against the law. 

 I get to the airport and it's completely insane. I have to get security checked walking in. They checked all but my carry on. Then I have to walk past passport control to check in. I go to check in and they they tell me I'm 18 kilos over and it'll be almost $350 to cover the extra weight. I lost it, I told her I couldn't pay, that I flew here with the same amount of stuff I'm leaving with. 

Oh shit, the lady beside me is telling the flight attendant (whos a guy and also a nurse) that she's sick and has been vomiting and had diarrhea. 

So anyway, I end up paying 180$ for my luggage. I'm livid. I'm Gonna call Visa and tell them I was extorted. I'm going to call the airline and tell them I took a massive dump before I got on the plane, so could they maybe credit me a kilo or two? 

I then find out that I have to retrieve my luggage in Melbourne to go through immigration, then haul it around to the next flight. Assholes. 


Speaking of which, someone's got a full diaper. Hope it's not one of the couple beside me. Fucking hell I hate kids on planes. 

So I go through security and they X-ray my stuff and give me the wand. I go buy some m&ms, halls and water. Oh, they're announcing my flight... I should go line up. So I do. 

 I'm standing there behind two gorgeous girls, neither of whom I'll be sitting with, as we shuffle along. We get to the gate and there's ANOTHER security stop. They go through my bags again, in case the M&M lady slipped my some high grade horse to sell off in Aus I suppose. Then they take my fucking water. I couldn't believe it. I actually argued with them. "it's not even opened, plastic seal is on it" 
Nope, no dice. The guy behind me had his motorbike helmet taken. I told him the leading cause of plane crashes was insane terrorist Aussies heatbutting their fellow passengers. He agreed with that.  

 So far the flights not bad. The kid in front on me reeks but could be worse. I get to watch the last half hour of Despicable Me which I missed when we landed early in Thailand. Gru is about to steel the moon, the minions are ecstatic. 

Day 1 in Aus

Well, I guess that's it for Thailand for now... Off to sunny Australia. 

Strange tales of Thai.

Thai people can't add
Yeah, that's a gross generalization, but this is my story - go write your own if you don't want to read sweeping generalizations about an entire country. You hit a shop here and the sales folks all have calculators. Big ones. You ask a price for something and they type it out on the countin' box then immediately hNd it to you for your counter offer. I thought it was just for communicating. Three days ago I bought a boat ticket for 600b. I gave dude 1000. He had to use the calculator for the change. Then I started watching. It happens all the time. Quick, three nights in a room at 400/night... How much do I owe? Thai hotel clerks need to use a calculator to figure it out.

White guys on mopeds
There's a strange cultural phenomenon here. I remember a video years back by good Charlotte or Blink 182 maybe. One of those bands with so much black eye makeup, hair dye and tattoos that they look like walking shadows dressed up like white folks for Halloween. The video had a bunch of geriatric actors dressed and behaving like teenaged idiots. Just being young and stupid. They could have filmed that in Krabi Thailand

Scores of enthusiastic silverbacks can be seen screaming through the streets at night on scooters. Long grey hair, white goatees, beer guts hanging out over their ancient crotches and resting on the vinyl seat of a 125cc speed machine. Often a significantly younger Thai girl is riding pinion , or sometimes driving if grandpa has had one too many vodka/prune juices.

You'll see them trolling along, stopping in front of the 7-11 to chat with the young Thai girls taking a break from riding thier scooters to get a coke and a new sim card. The Thai girls, some of them I mean, I know how you feel about generalizations, are completely game. They'll see some newly invigorated Ben Gay receptacle and wave saying "hello my boyfriend!". Hey quickly stops reminiscing about his Plymouth Rock landing and say "hey where you going!?" all excited and titillated. Then they become a very unlikely scooter gang, roaring off into the night to the next cocktail bar/bamboo hut.

It's like a playground for old divorcees who've found a new lease on life.
Viagra is a terrible thing...

Cultural differences
A good friend lived in japan for a spell and told me the girls there had an annoying habit of talking with hi pitched childlike voices. This has been confirmed by some other former inhabitants if the land if the rising sun I know.

The other night I was walking by some seafood place and a lady out front is saying Hi to everyone walking by. Common practice here, and tough work, the boardwalks are slammed with tourist bastards in the evenings.

So this lady is saying hi, over and over, you can hear her 3 doors down. I want to buy her a pack of "Fishermans Friends" and give her a hug. Then all of a sudden, she practically screams, in a voice a full 2 octaves higher and several decibels louder "halloooooo! Welcooooome!". I actually jumped it had startled me so.

I didn't think about it again. Well, I've walked by this place a few times since, it's on the was to the beach and near the diveshop I've been hanging out at. It's happened 3 or 4 more times. Then I noticed, she only does it when there are Japanese people walking by. I stood and watched for a few minutes last night to confirm my suspicions, it she did it again about a 2 minutes into my investigation when a Japanese couple walked by. I recognized them by their hello kitty backpacks and the professional grade cameras where their faces should have been.

Food
Some of the best food comes from carts on the street. Theres a ton of competition and there's no small amount of pride in the traditional dishes they tend to serve at a third of the price of a restaurant.

Thais generally do a pisspoor job of western food in general. Breakfast is weak at best, burgers are not made of beef. They do however do a good job on pizza. They tend to favour thin crust pizza cooked in a wood oven. I've had 3. All fantastic.

McDonalds, BK Pizza Hut, and others are slowly making their mark here. It's a shame that a place with such a rich culinary history is being diluted so a few assholes can make a few more bucks selling mystery meat disguised as cheeseburgers to a ballooning society. I hope Ronald McDonald and that creepy ass king from the BK commercials have massive heartattacks resulting in quadruple by passes, then spend their days in a home for the infirm, being visited less and less often over the years by Mayor McCheese, the Hamburgler and Grimace, all of whom are anxiously awaiting their deaths and a healthy inheritance. The petty infighting would have begun on day one.

Thats all I got for now.

Just about a perfect day

I found Nemo - Saying goodnight
Feb 7 2011
Up at 630, picked up a friend at 7 and hit the dive shop at 715  20 mins later a bus picked us up and drove us to a longtail boat. We transferred to the dive boat from there. Once there the divemaster discovered that I didn't have my open water cert. Well. Lots of chattering on German... Phone calls to the main land, heated debate about my fate. They finally decided that I would do a "discover scuba" dive, then the money I spent would get put toward my open water. Sweet

For breakfast we had sticky rice and mango, fried dough with condensed milk, bananas, and sticky rice with spicy coconut. Amazingly good.

Filled out some forms, wrote a test on material I last read almost a year ago (92% thank you). Finally I got in on the 2nd dive. Anemone reef.

My first open dive was unreal. We did some skills then descended. The coral was amazing. Fish of every colour flippered along alone or in schools of hundreds. My instructor kept tabs on me and I stuck close.  The whole thing was exhilarating.

Back on the boat we had lunch , rice with green curry, and some sort of veggie stir fry. It was all great!  We paddled to the next spot about an hour away and suited up at shark point.

The wild life underwater is amazing, giant schools of tiny fish, reefs that tower above you, stripped eels, neon finned little fish. I saw a leopard shark, they are a neat little shark.  Sharks have to keep water flowing into their mouths and out their gills to breathe. Therefore they most continually move.   This brilliant little fella sleeps all the time. He dies so by lying on the sea bed with his head in current, so water just flows through him while he dozes  Its the equivilant of sleeping at you desk while wearing glasses with eyeballs painted on the lenses.   We also saw a barracuda, great big black shrimp, clown fish (nemo), and on and on. I was limited to 12 m because of my cert issue, but still there was lots to see.

We steamed back to shore, about an hour and a half run, some folks got picked up about halfway on a longtail and went to a different beach.

We unloaded and figured out how I was going to finish the course. After much Deutch squabbling we got it settled and I left.

My new traveling companion, Bianca, had left before me to get cleaned up for dinner. I picked her up on the way and we went to my hostel so she could use the net. Hers didn't have it. I went up and showered off the salt and got changed.

We got dinner at the beach as the waves lapped the sand just yards away. Dinner was amazing. Thai barbecue, corn on the cob, baked potatoes. We ate and chatted about nothing in particular. She told me in broken English about some of the places shes dived around the world. I told her about hockey.

Later we wandered up the beach where she bought a lantern. She lit it and we waited for it to fill with heat to ascend. Finally it lifted gracefully from her fingertips and slowly floated to the stars.  We watched it sail away into the night for a long time until it gently flickered out and disappeared.

We ended the night with a drink and watched a fire show on the street outside "the Coconut Bar"

We left, and walked up the strip to her bungalo and said goodbye. She's now off to koh samoi, I've another 2 days in Krabi. Traveling is funny. The only constant is you. New hostels, new scenery, new friends; but as soon as you get to know a place, a person, or a custom, it's time to move on. The shotgun approach to life I suppose.

Koh phi phi for 3 dives tomorrow.  Can't wait

Krabi - open flies and ass massages

Thai people have this annoying habit of extending the last syllable of every word fir about three beats. There's a little upwards inflection at the end... You want Thai massaaa-aaage? Next stop station Surat Thanieeeee-eee. You want order some pad thaaaa-aaaai?

First thing in the morning when you're tring to sleep and the porter is announcing every stop on the way to your destination it's really aggrivating. And he repeated each station over and over as he passes through the sleeping car.

On the way to the beach...
Sir you want to buy a suuu-uuit? Tailor just for yoooo-oooou. No I don't want a suit, I'm wearing flowered shorts and a wifebeater carrying a towel and sun screen. Unless there's a board meeting at the beach and Donald trump is gonna fire someone, I'm not in need of a tailored suit, two shirts and two ties at the moment. But thanks dude, good eye! Of course I'll probably need a suit at some point when I'm in Aus and will kick myself for not investing the $100.

I'm pretty good natured but after a while you get tire of politely smiling and saying Mâi ao khàp khun(no thank you). Yesterday on the way to meet a friend I had been pitched about 50 items before I got half way to where I needed to be. At one point some guy looks at me "sir..." I cut him of and sigh "Mâi ao khàp khun..." with no small hint of aggitation. "but sir, your zipper is down". I turned, looked down, saw the errant fly and just looked at the guy embarrased. He was just trying to do me a favor and I was growly. I laughed and gave him heart felt thanks in Thai and zipped up. He realized I was apologetic and just laughed. They really are easy going and nice here most of the time.

Tonight I booked a scuba trip, booked a hotel for tomorrow, bought a dry bag and got a coconut oil Thai massage. I smell like a piña collata. Little did I know that the coconut oil doubles the price of the massage. However, I felt so good afterwards I gladly ponied up the $12. Shoulda asked for a receipt :).

The massage was great, in an open air gazebo on a lane following the beach. I could hear the waves and, at a nearby resort, a guitar player was crooning soft rock ; tears in heaven, hotel California, bob marley tunes, brown eyed girl... All the stuff I used to play down at the beach when we had bonfires.

The funny thing about the massage was, she had me strip down right there in the salon, which is open to the road. So I get down to my skivvies. Luckily they werent a ratty old pair. Then she has me lay on my belly, throws a towel over my posterior, and prceeds to tuck it into my underwear. Now half my ass is hanging out for the whole beach to see. Not only that, she spent a great deal of time working on my glutes. With her elbows. Apparently massages get pretty personal. More than once she had her hands in my CKs and I wondered if MY coconuts were going to get oiled.

At one point she was actually walsing up the backs of my legs. It felt fantastic.When all was said and done I got up feeling groggy and happy. I actually walked away without Laing then I went back and apologized and paid with a tip.

Then I joined a new friend of mine from Austria and I got a bite at a resort where they had a fire show. Spinning flaming batons etc and a fire breather. Very cool. The food was divine. I'd gotten the buffet so I snuck out two pieces of chocolate cake from the dessert cart and we ate them on the beach whilst paper lanterns were set afloat at points all along the beach. Now I'm at the hostel and ready to fall asleep. Time to set the alarm and try to get 6 hours sleep before my big scuba day. Back home everyone's Monday is just beginning. Have a great day everyone, we'll see you in the morning...

Cambodia

Made a snap decision 2 days ago to hit Cambodia. Met a cool Aussie lady on the plane to Chiang Mai who talked me into it, waffled till the other night coz Chiang Mai was so cool. Took the sleeper train to bangkok last night, 13 hour jaunt but met a couple cool girls from wisconsin and we chatted for 4 or 5 hours. Killed time in bangkok by booking my train fr bkk to Surat Thanie for the 5th, booked my rooms for Phnom Penh and Siem Reap for the next 3 nights , then my hotel from the 5th to 7th in krabi. From there 3 days in kho lanta then 1 night in Phuket, flight to Sydney. Time flies...

Looking forward to the killing fields tomorrow in Phnom Penh; then Angkor Wat the day after...

Fish Massage

No, not part of the ping pong show you dirty dirty girl...
All over the big cities in Thailand are shops that have these fish tanks out front. They're full of little yellow fish. For about 3 dollars you can put your feet in for 15 mins and the little water breathers will swarm your feet like crazy little pirannas. The deal is that the eat dead skin.

Well on day 2 of my trip to Kho phi phi I neglected to sunscreen my feet. They burned horribly, to the point they blistered. Yesterday, when I decided to come to Cambodia, I had to book a train. Once you book with an agency someone delivers the ticket. So, with a half hour to kill, and feet that were peeling like a single mom with a Coke problem, I said what the hell.
I tell the lady at the travel agency/scooter rental/fish brothel that I want to try. So she washes my feet, gives me some flippies, I paddle on over to the aquarium of horrors and dunk in my shoe trees.
Well my friends, I was attacked. My feet were enveloped in a school, nay! a swarm of fish. At first it was not really pleasant. It was a very strange almost electric sensation. But then it felt good, real good. It was like having hundreds of little fingers massaging your tootsies.
People walking by gave me strange looks. Apparently moaning in ecstasy while getting, quite literally, eaten by fish is taboo. I just said " fuck you! You can't judge me! If fish foot love is wrong I don't want to be right!"
Actually I politely said "yeah it's weird at first but it feels kinda nice, you should try it" but I had ire in my heart, don't doubt it!!

After 20 mins the girl came back with my ticket and I had to give up my life of sub aquatic piedal decadence. For now.

Keep Stirring and Keep Smiling - Thai Cooking Class

Chiang Mai is great. Friendly, easygoing, less hustle than Bangkok. Really nice people.

Tonight I took a Thai Cooking class. Fantastic. The guy was a ham and kept us laughing. Picked me up at my hotel and drove me and 6 others to the market. While there we toured from vendor to vendor while he described what curry paste is, what noodles are made from, the difference between coconut water, coconut cream and coconut milk is. What are vegetables, roots and leaves, and what can you substitute?

We then load up in his truck and hit the country where his house is. In his garage/back yard/patio he's assembled a series of 20 cooking stations. We washed up and got to work creating 4 Thai dishes. Every technique is explained...how high the heat should be, how to cut each thing, what do you eat and what is just for flavour...

When we were done we ate, got a cook book and a ride home. It was fantastic, highly recommended.

http://www.chiangmaicooking.com/

The food we made was amazing, you guys are in for a treat when I get home. 

You Dirty Perverts (the one you've all been waiting for)

This story is not for Moms, Sunday school teachers, the judgemental or the repressed. Throwing that out there...


Whenever I say I'm going to Thailand people said "oh, watch out for the lady boys" "ohh, don't become a ladyboy" "wow, blah blah blah-bla-blah ladyboy" Funny. And oh so clever all of you. HOWEVER, we didn't see many in bangkok. We mostly were in the backpacker areas, and its really just the local vendors and tourists.

So the girls decide that after a day of travelling they're all beat and want to go to bed. Pat and I decided we wanted to drink, so we'd hit the night market in Bangkok. So two guys walking down the street in drinking Chang and the first Tuk Tuk driver calls out "Ping Pong?!"  Thats the universal language for Thai sex show. Now I know that those are close the market. "Patpong?" thats the area I want to be in.
"Yeah"
So I say "How much?"
"Fifty baht!"
Now thats cheap, ok we're in. "
We get driven around for 10 mins and finally get driven through a back alley where we get out. This sleazy little dude runs up..."Ping Pong show! Best in city, you like!!"
"How much?"
 "600"
"Each?" thats expensive...no wonder the cab was cheap...all part of the hustle. So I ask where the night market is.
 "Oh, closed, not open yet, good show show, 500"
"Ok, which way? For when it opens?"
 "That way, but closed, not open"
Ok, we'll go this way. Everyone protests, they're yelling from behind, blah blah blah, the driver's mad cause he brought us in cheap and isn't getting his kickback now.
We wander around and see a ton of strip joints, thai restaurants, internet places, market stalls, and guys running around with drink menus. One hits us up.
 "Cheap drink, Chang 100 baht"
"Too much!"
"For large for large"
We shrug, ok. We're in. So now we get lead through the streets of downtown bangkok, this guy is rushing. Hard. He's waving us on, at one point the fucker grabs my arm and pulls me, I must have given him a hard look because he took his hand off me like I was on fire. We get to this place and he takes us upstairs and goes to leave. Pat yells, "Hey, no cover right?"
"Yeah yeah, good party"
We buy a couple of beers up front, they won't let us pay...thats a sign.  We turn the corner and the place is dingy, everything is black, hookers everywhere. Shit. We're in a bangkok sex show. Oh well, part of the tour right?? We get sat down in front of this other set of couples. Everyone's laughing. No lights on except these little white Christmas tree lights. And black lights. Things are painted with black light paint. Everything is glowing.

So, loyal readers, up till now, the conversation has been fairly bland. This is where it gets interesting. The language is about to change. Can't be helped.

The stage, has two brass poles. Standing at each pole is a topless Thai girl in black underwear. Early twenties. They are, ever so slightly, swinging their hips to the music. They look bored. They look out of shape. And bored. Then we realize that the show is actually going on as we speak.

A woman in black lingerie is crab walking across the stage. What we realize is that she's got a straw stuck in her pussy. Suddenly a balloon above and just behind me pops. WTF mate? She has rolled up sheets of paper and is firing them like darts at balloons around the room through the straw. Thats funny. Fucked up, but funny. I wonder how many rounds that magazine holds...

She wanders off. Another woman, who looks to be in her fifties, 5 or 8 kids, maybe one on the way, who knows, is wearing nothing but a strange hat of some sort, neon knee high socks, and volleyball knee pads. She's built kind of like Grimmace from the MacDonaldland  Gang. Shes got a great little landing strip going on I might add. She get up and starts sort of dancing on the spot. Then, unceremoniously, she begins to pull, the only way I can think to describe it, is a neon skipping rope out of her VJJ. Its like a plastic contraption that has several parts, each a different colour glowing in the black light. When she gets enough of it out, she starts snapping it on the floor like a whip, all the while, pulling more out. Its like a rappelling bag in there or  something. We're seriously and literally shaking our heads.

Now, while this is going on, these really friendly local women, who really took some time getting ready for clubbing, in their best lingerie, are paying us some attention. A couple come over and leave drinks on our table. I'm like, fuck that, I"m not getting charged for drinks I didn't order. And who knows whats in em. I'm wildly waving my hands. No! WE DON"T WANT THESE! I'm putting them on a different table. The drinks are also flat looking, and probably 1/3 empty.

Stole this image off the net, then read the guy's blog.
Could have been my story to the letter.

First lady is back on stage and someone has put a cake on the stage and lit several candles. She begins blowing them out with here snatch snorkle. Meanwhile a particularly friendly looking lady looks at me( because pat is ignoring her like she's got lepracy and trying to sell him a kiss, and he's not far off) she bangs the heal of her hand against the back of her hand and says "Boom boom?" Me, a relative novice in these situations, more baffled than deaf says "Whaaa?"  She makes the OK sign with one hand and starts driving her forefinger in and out with the other "Boom boom?"

Luke shakes head. Not only am I saying the word but I'm mouthing it as if to allow someone on the other side of a loud party to understand me. "NO" Stubby Thai-Grimmace is back on stage pulling what looks like a clothes line, complete with plastic glowing clothes pin out of her boom boom hole. She waddling around and laughing, loose skin swaying in time with the bad dance music.

Pat and I say together, "We need to get the fuck out of here"

We tell the waitress we want the bill and she directs us to a table by the stage. Fucking hell, here we go. We wander over. This short woman in a business suit hands us a slip of paper as we walk up. 4,800 baht. Roughly translated, based on global economic performance and market conditions, thats about $150 CAD. I started to laugh. Lady is stern as hell, face like a toad "you pay"
Pat says "No, two change, 200 baht"
She says, no "YOU PAY, LADY DRINKS and LOOK FEE"

Pat says, "No, 2 Chang" and we each pull out 100. She gets up and begins screeching. If you've ever seen a war movie where a bunch of villager women are screaming at the GIs after they've committed some atrocity...this is the live version of that.

She's screaming that we have to pay, we say no, she grabs a pad of paper and writes down 1600. I laugh. Pat snatches her pen and writes 200, before he scrawls the 2nd 0 shes torn the paper away and crumped it up. She stomps her foot, I though she kicked him. Her twin sister approaches from the shadows and takes me on. I say "We had 2 beer, 200" she says, "You pay or YOU dance" points at the stage and starts pulling up my shirt. I can only laugh. It infuriates her. She stomps and fake kicks me.
The original thai toad woman tells Pat we can't leave. He says something along the lines of "you can't stop us.
She says "I get bouncer" and points to this 16 year old looking bus boy who might be 120 lbs. We both laugh and the women relent. We set down the money and walk. On stage a woman is opening shaken up beer bottles. Look mom no hands.

It took 2 full hours for the adrenaline to wear off. A runner with a menu came up and asked if we wanted to go to a show. I told him to fuck off. He didn't seem surprised. We hit an irish pub and sat on the patio and drank Singha. Thats when we thought it would be funny to go down the gay street. That story will have to wait. I'm going on a day long excursion tomorrow. Elephants, waterfalls, hiking, visiting a hill tribe...should be great.
Talk soon
L

Blessed by a monk

 I got conned/invited to visit a monk in his home beside the temple. While there he blessed me by shaking reeds full of water on me. He the gave me a beaded bracelet for luck. Then he tried to sell me an authentic stone amulet for 2000 baht.  I lied and said I only had 400 on me but gave him 100 as a donation to the temple.  He thanked me and gave me a picture of a one eyed cat. That's going up on the fridge.





Here's the one eyed cat:

Wat pho, birthplace of Thai massage and giant buddhas

i look rediculous in these pics

The architecture in the temple is amazing. Everything covered in tiles of every colour imaginable. Spires several stories high have strained for centuries to touch the sky.  Creatures and warriors of all types man both sides of every walkway and staircase. Gold adorns every effigy of Buddha, every door and every archway.

The reclining Buddha is massive. Its really unimaginable how big this thing is until you see it.
 I finally got my massage. If you've never had a Thai massage it's not like the standard local massage. There's no long luxurious kneading of any particular muscle. It's starts with me trading me pants in for a pair that are like doctors scrubs. I put them on backwards and had to go back. She had me lay down and commenced jamming her thumbs into various nerve bundles around my body. It actually felt really good, but every once in a while she'd dug into one of those spots that douche bag martial artists will tell you, unprovoked, that they can use to disable an attacker. I know cause I was one of those guys back when I was taking ju jitsu.  I grew out of it. Not ju jitsu, being a douche...

At one point she had one foot inside my thigh, pulled on my arms for leverage and drove her heal into my hamstring. Another time she was behind me with my arm over her leg using her elbow to grind my tricep into my humorous, and down wards.  I almost tapped.

Feel like a million bucks now. Relaxed, loose, ready for a night on the town .

Different approach to traffic and stress

I'm sitting on a bus waiting to go on a day trip. Were at a red light so the driver got out for a smoke. Long light I guess. Things are more laid back here.  Long line up at s light, traffic backed up, no prob, just gothe wrong way down a oneway street a few hundred feet until you find a way through. I'm writing this on my iPhone... Light's still red

Muay Thai

Muay Thai is well respected here. I went to a championship match last night. There are two stadiums in Bangkok and they have fights on opposite nights. The night I wanted to go the staium was within walking distance.
The stadium seats a few thousand at the most. The upper tiers, where 90% of fans sat is behind chainlink fence. Those seats are 1000 baht, or roughly 30$. Mine were front row, 2000 baht. Its best just to buy tickets at the gate. You can buy from the tourist bureaus as well, but its the same price at the door.

The stadium is ancient. Thais don't replace anything ever, unless its completely lost its usefulness. The judges tables look like they were bought at a yard sale. Guys with flowered shirts come and bring you chips and beer. The chips are a rip off, tiny bags with only 5 or 6 chips in them.

The first few fights are boring. Young lightweights, 92 lbs for the first fight, who are very reactive and end up throwing the same kicks at each other at the same time, and bouncing off each other. As the fights so on and  the weight classes go up, it gets more interesting. The championship fights was super heavy weights, Thai Style, 148lbs.

The first two rounds of any fight typically suck. Its a feeling out process. The crowd hasn't started betting yet. The last three rounds are fun. Usually by then the crowd has taken a side. When the favorite lands a strike they all cheer "aaaaaayyyyy" when the other guy lands a smaller group cheers a full octave lower "ooooooohhhh" The corners get incredibly animated, 4 or 5 guys all jumping around, yelling instructions. When the fighters end up in a clinch too long the ref separates them. He has to pull them apart physically, like two sides of a grilled cheese sandwich. Sometimes he'll throw his leg in between them to prevent kicks while he pushes back on their faces.

The fighters are extremely respectful of each other, cheapshots are rare but they happen. I only saw it from one fighter. He threw two illegal knees while the ref was pulling them apart, then threw a cross after the bell. He was rewarded with a hard groin shot a round later. He signalled to the ref who ignored him, I'm guessing because of the cheap shots earlier.

I saw a new champ get crowned that night! Here's a vid of the last half of the final round.

Bangkok Day 1...Do you smell that?

Its 4:10 here in  Bangkok, i'm sitting with a Change beer I bought for about 90 Cents. I'm not even expected to tip.

My flight was glorious. Royal silk class on thai air. The food was marvelous, a blend of western and Thai delights. A finecky eater I tried everthing put in front of me. The first thing was an appetizer of a giant scallop served with minced mangos. It was cold but still good (I prefer mine served hot wrapped in bacon..but we're trying new things aren't we)

I managed to sleep quite well as my seat reclined almost all the way. I awoke a few hours before landing and watched a movie, was served some sort of pasta dish and disembarked. I was sad to leave that plane!

I got my luggage and was dissapointed to find my bags had been broken into. I later found a nice note from the TSA saying they were the culprits but not to worry everything was put back.

First, they didn't need to break the lock, they could have used their pass key, I bought very expensive coded locks authorized by the TSA becasue they have pass keys that match the coded locks. Second, not everything was put back. A very expensive piece of my belongings is missing. I'm not happy thinking that some under educated halfwit TSA agent, who was so angry to not be able to grope anyone because he was on bag duty yesterday, is now surfing my very impressive collection of porn. I'm kidding. Its not that impressive. But there was alot of shit on there I needed. Oh well. Time to write yet ANOTHER NASTY letter

The trainride into the city short enough, me humping 3 heavy bags around. People are friendly and helpful. The ride in through the suburbs, and as I was to find, the city itself is polarized between wealth and abject poverty. Its more strongly marked by their proximity to one another. Broken down concrete buildings sit half finsished, or abandoned, amongst dilapitated correguated steel huts. Near by workers are constructing new buildings. Glittering condos with golden facades share the same blocks.

I got a cab and was charged exactly what the book I got said I should, 80 baht. Less than $4.00. Easily a half hour ride. I checked in but my room wasn't ready, so I dropped off my gear and hit the streets. Bankok is an amazing town. At 8 am people are setting up. The smell of food, garbage, spices, perfume and rotting meat are everywhere.Old ladies are cooking pad thai on the street conners. ENtire fish are bbq'd, heads on, and served on a stick.


I detoured through an alley at one point, trying to get back to a landmark I had noticed earlier. There were people living in this alley, in tiny apartments the size of my living room. They were watching TV with their kids, while they prepared prawns, chicken, mystery meats of all kinds in giant bowls on the floor. BBQ carts were wheeled out the their doorways in preparation for the day. People were sleeping in lawn chairs on the street. I felt like I was walking through the kitchen of a hotel, the place you're not supposed to see during your stay. No one paid me any attention.

Back on the main route there was a seamstrees sitting with an ancient sewing machine fixing the hem on a jacket belonging to a police officer. A man sitting on the sidewalk was rebuilding an engine. I paid 10 baht for a 7up at a little hair salon. People talked to me, asked where I was going, a few were helpful.

I stoped at a gov't sanctioned tourist bureau and got tickets to a fight tonight. Maui thai, the real thing too. Tomorrow I have a full day trek. I'll get to that. The guy at the bureau, chris, showed me on a little map all the things to watch for, and what to see. He told me the big temple is never closed, so don't let anyone tell you it is and trick you into paying to see it. Don't let anyone take you on trips around the city, they'll take you to more expensive place where they get kickbacks or will extort you. Watch for people who are friendly and want to show you things on your map. THey are probably trying to scam you.  I thanked chris and went on my way.

Waiting at a light a nice gentleman with most of his teeth and a blue shirt asked me where I was from. I said canada and he said "Oh, Vancouver!" POinting to himself. He didn't look like a douchebag, but maybe he was from there...( ok ok, just Canuck fans...) He told me for 20 baht his friend would take me on a tour of the best places. He told me that the big temple was closed every day but today and so I had to go right away. I thanked him and he protested telling me I was missing out.

I got Pad Thai and a beer for 120 baht, about $3.60. I bought 3 tshirts I just know are gonna fall apart when I wash them, but the designs are very cool. One's a monkey flipping off no one in particular. I tried to get a cab back to the hotel, but they wanted 200b. Its only about 7 bucks, but i got a ride from the airport for 80b, and that was a half hour drive. I got mad and walked home. About a half hour walk. I needed the excerise...I need to fit into those shirts after I wash em.

Off to the fights. I'll let you know what happens. Apparently the foreigners sit up front. They tell you its a place of honour, but really they just don't want to be the ones sprayed with sweat, blood and the odd tooth.

The day I realized I was george Castanza

I think I was 32 and I found myself living in my parents basement. It was good arrangement, I could live for free with my folks to save up enough money to buy my own place, in exchange I walked and cleaned up after the dogs,  cut the grass in the summer, shoveled the walk in the winter.

Wait a minute...winter? This was supposed to be a six month thing, not a situation that lasts more than one season. That's when I took a good long hard in the mirror. You're going bald Luke...you're overweight, you drive a POS 99 cavalier. You wear glasses. You hate your job,  you're going out with a girl you're just not that into (even though she's really cool and you have alot in common and she's fun to be around up for anything, and you're no prize yourself mister, what the hell's wrong with you dude?!), and, wait for it...you live with your parents.

I saw George Costanza in the mirror. I could hear his old gym teacher screaming "Can'tstandya, Can'tstandya!" I could see the neurotic tickings  in his bulbous cranium. This is bad.

So I found a new job. Broke up with the girlfriend., started working out again (Cause I was single now and I had to get in top condition to attract some high quality arm candy, right?). I was going to get back on course.

Now, if this was a commercial for a weightloss/life coach program infomercial, I'd have before and after pics. But alas no...there was no dramatically life changing effects on my life; but at least I had a plan. It was a good plan. Move forward, jackass!

So here we are, 2 and a half years later. I'm 35, and I'm still George Castanza. But I'm a better George. I'm the George that's getting a job with the Yankees! Tomorrow's my last day at work. Rented out the house I managed to scrape up enough cash to buy. In 5 days I'll be landing in Thailand. 40 days after that I start working on a new career in Australia. But more about that later. But I will tell you this right now...This is the summer of GEORGE!